4. Breaking The News To Children

There is no right time, way or place to share news with your children. You know your children better than anyone. For some families, not sharing the news is the best approach, whereas for others total transparency is what works. This all depends on personality types, other family dynamics and circumstances as well as children's ages. Remember; being honest and leading by example is teaching your child(ren) resilience and how to approach the difficult parts of life. Some people are worried that by letting their children see them upset or in pain it could affect them later on; try flipping the narrative - by showing them the reality of what life sometimes can present, you are also showing them how to approach these challenges.

1. Preparing for the Conversation

-Choose the Right Time and Place:

Find a quiet, comfortable environment where you can talk without distractions, and choose a time when everyone is calm and open to listening.

- Understand Your Child’s Knowledge:

Assess what your children already know or believe about the situation, which will help guide your conversation.

2. Structure the Conversation

- Be Honest but Age-Appropriate:

Tailor your explanations based on the age and maturity of your children. Use language that they can understand without overwhelming them with details.

- Start with Key Information:

Briefly explain the diagnosis and what it means. For example, “Your mummy/daddy has been diagnosed with an illness called cancer. It means their body is not healthy right now.”

3. Encourage Questions and Open Dialogue

- Invite Questions:

Encourage your children to ask questions, which can help them process the information and express their feelings. Let them know that it's okay to ask anything, no matter how hard it may seem. If you don't knnow the answer or are not ready to answer try saying "That's a really good question! Let me go and find out the answer for you and we can talk about it tomorrow". Make sure you then do revisit the question when you have taken time to prepare the answer.

- Listen Actively:

Pay attention to their responses and feelings. Validate their emotions by saying things like, “It’s okay to feel sad or scared about this.”

Sometimes your children's questions can give clues to what is underlying. Children are not as in-tune with their emotions and so some questions might be a clue of their fear of change, or a fear triggered by a memory of someone else. Listen carefully and if needed right down their questions and discuss them at a later time with a therapist.

4. Address Emotional Reactions

- Normalise Their Feelings:

Explain that feelings such as sadness, confusion, fear, or anger are natural in difficult situations. Share your own emotions honestly if it feels appropriate. If they can see that you too experience these emotions, they also see that these emotions will pass and are temporary. By letting them see how you handle these emotions and recover from them, you are teaching them that this is a normal process and teaching them the tools to deal with them.

- Provide Comfort: Offer hugs or comfort items and reassure them that it’s okay to feel upset and explore these feelings together.

5. Share information about Support Systems

- Discuss the Support Available:

Explain who is involved in trying to help, such as doctors, nurses, and other family members. Sharing how the person with the diagnosis is being cared for can reassure children.

- Introduce Support Networks:

Make mention of any available resources, such as family therapy, support groups, or counseling services. This can help normalize seeking help.

6. Communicate Ongoing Updates

- Set Expectations for Future Conversations:

Let children know that you will keep them updated as things change, and that they can always come to you with thoughts or concerns.

- Regular Check-ins:

Schedule regular family meetings or one-on-one talks to discuss feelings or updates about the diagnosis.

7. Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms

- Promote Expressive Activities:

Suggest activities like drawing, writing letters, or playing that help children express their feelings about the situation.

- Model Healthy Behaviors: Show your children how you manage your own feelings through coping strategies such as talking, physical activity, or creative expression.

8. Resources for Further Support

- Books and Guides:

Find age-appropriate books that address illness, grief, or difficult situations. Reading together can provide comfort and serve as a springboard for discussion.

- Professional Support:

If needed, seek guidance from pediatricians, child psychologists, or social workers who specialize in family health matters.

Sharing bad news about a diagnosis with children is never easy, but with sensitivity and preparation, families can navigate this conversation in a way that supports their emotional well-being. Encourage ongoing communication and assure children that they are not alone in this journey.

Additional Tips

- Approach the conversation with empathy and openness, prioritizing understanding over protection.

- Remain patient, as children may need time to process the news.

- Reiterate that the love and support within the family remain constant, regardless of changes in health.

Several of our podcast interviews from the Scars of Gold (season 1) discuss how differen't women have approached sharing the news with their children and how they have navigated being a parent at different stages of their cancer diagnosis, with different aged children. Listening to their stories can provide alternative approaches that may be new.